


I’m going to message Essek

by TheParable



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: C2E97 Spoilers, Critical Role Spoilers, Gen, alternate C2E97, guilt tripping, if jester had actually gone through with her plan, no paralysis involved
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-08
Updated: 2020-03-08
Packaged: 2021-02-28 18:00:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,786
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23071336
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheParable/pseuds/TheParable
Summary: I’m still sad that this didn’t happen in game, but that’s why fanfics exist, don’t they?Anyways I wanted to do the two ideas jester suggested (sujested haha), one being talking about Essek in front of thane and the other being messaging Essek while in thane’s company.Now I’m not a good writer and I don’t do it very often, but I have a CRAVING for this scene so I’m just gonna write it. I NEED me a good guilt tripping.  I tried to stick to the presentation of thane matt gave us during the live show especially, the nervous wreck. I’m pretty bad at this so sorry in advance
Comments: 19
Kudos: 186





	I’m going to message Essek

**Author's Note:**

> First paragraph inspired by the tumblr post https://pink-unicorns-love-cookies.tumblr.com/post/611473074710249472/essek-im-intelligent-and-charismatic-youll

**_At this point, I deserve to be exposed._ **

**_I tell the healer of the party that I’m not feeling well. I answer to the local that I live around. I tell her I travel, but apparently not to the state just a couple miles away, and that I also don’t like going out. Additionally, i might as well have said that my name is Lord Lord. Thane Thane. It's ridiculous._**

**_What is wrong with me? How did I ever manage to undermine an entire kingdom?_** _  
_  
Essek can’t sit still for a second. The performance is about to begin, but he can’t focus. His hand is clutching the wine glass with a fervour threatening to shatter it, and yet he still feels like all his limbs are about to give way.

And Jester is _still_ linked in his arm, chatting him up unrelentingly, a solid boulder in his plan to mysteriously vanish from the party. He really hates parties.

**_Get it together. You’ve come so far. You can’t break now. Get it together._ **

Out of the corner of his eye, he sees Yasha flank him at a distance, Caleb in proximity behind them. He can’t help but feel terribly encased now, fingers shaking as he takes a desperate sip of wine. Can’t taste it. Taste tends to disappear into the background when you’re so frightfully nervous. Essek feels like laughing, crying. He has told the most influential lies of the century, and he can’t craft a small fib in front of a girl with dozens of times less experience than him.

**_Get it together. Even in front of them._ **

As the Ruby of the Sea comes into view, the rooms’ attention seems to be fully drawn, relieving Essek ever so slightly. The less people noticing his slip-up, the better. As she begins to sing, Jester smiles, keeping her eyes on her mother. But her words are still directed at Thane.  
  
“You know, my mama gave us a lot of money to support us on our journeys, she always believed in me from the start.”  
  
“Ah. That is… generous of her. ” Essek doesn’t know how to respond properly. All the court small-talk of the dynasty, and he is still left speechless.

**_Get. It. Together._ **

“She is the best, isn’t she? Of course, now, she doesn’t have to anymore, with all the stuff we’ve been doing. From solving small-town murders to peace between two warring nations, who would’ve thought, huh?” Jester continues, much to his dismay.

“Must’ve been quite the journey.”

**_Get it together._ **

“It was- It is! But, let me tell you, we couldn’t have done it alone. We like to say we're the mighty _nein_ , but there are so many people who helped us! There was mama,” she gestures with her palm towards her mother, smile bright on her face.

“And the Gentleman, who’s also my dad, and Pumat, and Orly, and Yussa here in Nicodranas. But you know, there are some really nice people in Xhorhas as well! You probably haven’t been there, but they’re mostly good people, despite what the empire says. The queen is sooooo cool, and there’s this cool orc lady, this cool goblin lady…. Ooooooh, can I tell you a secret?”

Essek couldn’t stop her if he tried. If he indulged in her, maybe she would move on, or maybe he could finally come up with an excuse to leave while she was talking.

“Uhm, sure?”

**_Maybe that wasn’t a good idea. Apparently, I’m horrible at keeping secrets. At least in front of them._ **

“We have a _best friend_ in Xhorhas! His name is Essek and he’s like, so cool and smart, but also really nice and funny.”

**_Oh, no._ **

Essek puts the glass to his lips again, another hopeless gulp of wine getting stuck in his throat.  
Did an organ inside him just drop? It certainly felt like it, and he thinks he might actually have a stomach ache, now. Can a cleric heal one’s conscience? Because his is really starting to infect his actions, pester his train of thought, and it’s becoming dangerous. Not just for him, and that’s what bothers him more than it ever has.

Subconsciously, his eyes cast down to his drink before he catches himself. Jester, too, caught him, for she had now turned to face him.

**_If you slip now, you condemn yourself. And you condemn them._ **

“And- you won’t believe this- he _floats_ , like a duck, except he doesn’t float on water, he floats on air. It’s really cool. He has helped us get to so many places, it would be impossible to do what we did without him. ”

Before he can stop himself, his hand goes to his eye, wiping away at the corner. He hadn’t even noticed something had crept up, and he was wondering if the illusion masked it. He was also wondering why _he couldn’t keep himself together._ It was outrageous, like a child that had encountered guilt for the first time in his life. Maybe that was exactly it.  
Jester, oh, Jester noticed. She was so much smarter than she let on at first glance, so much more perceptive. And this was something she would definitely bear in mind.

“Sorry, something in my eye. The… temperature, I presume.”

**_The TEMPERATURE? I don’t think I can keep this up for much longer. I really don’t._ **

“This… friend of yours,” Essek says, hoping that neither the obscene pounding in his chest nor the quiver in his voice is projecting through the entire room. He tries his utmost to distract from what he just said and that mishap with what was definitely not a tear. “He sounds like quite something. Float, you say? That is… very impressive.” If his voice had cracked, he believes he would’ve just fainted from the pressure right there and then.

Essek looks up at the performance, wishing that it could distract him from the thoughts relentlessly circling in his head, and from this new experience, this… _guilt._ The Ruby is beautiful, and the song is sung so elegantly in zemnian. It reminds him of Caleb. Essek swallows, because thinking about that had just made his situation even worse. Dismayed, he realises his goblet is empty.

“Oh, he says it’s really easy for him. I’m sure you’re wondering how he does it.” Jester’s eyes light up for a second, and her arm – still hooked tightly in the arm of the illusionary Thane – tightens for a brief moment. “Oh! You know, I could ask him right now how he does it! I could send him a message!”

Essek is caught so off guard his glass almost slides right out of his hand. The illusion masks all colour draining from his face. Swallowing, he tries his best to keep it calm. He had tried too hard to indulge in her conversation, now it had completely derailed into one of the worst possible directions it could’ve gone. 

He was being so overwhelmed by how he felt, by how all this guilt was getting to him, that he didn’t even notice how her conversation was, by design, meant to draw him out. Intentionally messing with him. But the bottomless pit of trying to escape the consequences of his own lies was swallowing him, and his mind has completely shifted into panic mode.

**_Change the subject. Draw her attention to something else. Literally ANYTHING else. This is a nightmare._ **

“Oh, please, no, really, that is not necessary. You don’t have to do that, shall we perhaps listen to the performance-“

“Here, I’ll ask him!” Before he can stop her, a short cast is followed by the strangest echoing experience he’s ever had. The voice both in his head and in his ears was going to push him over the edge. Even though she was keeping her voice low, it boomed through his head with the volume his conscience had gained in the last few months.

“Heeeeeey Essek! How are you???? I’m with a friend who wants to know how you float! Always wondered that too!...” There was a brief pause for an effect that very much gave Essek the worst type of gut-punch.

“…We miss you! ………You pooping?”

She turns to Thane with a patient smile, lifting a finger, awaiting a response. On the flipside, Thane, even as the Illusion, was calling upon every muscle in his body not to whimper. His face must’ve carried the most constipated look imaginable as Jesters face shifted to concern. “Oh, sorry about mentioning pooping… Is it your stomach again?” He held his pained smile in place as he nodded tensely, absolutely frozen stiff, his hand like a petrified claw around the empty glass. That message absolutely required all his strength to withstand, and he had to avoid talking at all costs. She would know, then. All of this secrecy and suffering through this party would’ve been for nothing.

The swollen silence grew parallel to the unending hole in his stomach as they waited, the sound of the Ruby’s singing losing its entrancing effect. Jester looked disappointed, scrunching up her mouth. “Hm. He usually responds. That is strange.” Essek was familiar with the spell and was sure that the responding time had worn off, breathing out silently. “Maybe he is sleeping? It is quite late. Please, you must not bother your friends for my sake.”

Jester finally, finally let go of his arm as she folded her own, holding a finger to her chin thoughtfully. “That’s the thing, you know. We’re very close. This is the first time he hasn’t talked to us, he usually always drops everything for us, because he’s such a good friend. I hope nothing happened.”

Essek put the glass on the table, shoulders slumping as his face dropped.

**_I can’t do this._ **

Maybe it was the concern, maybe it was the repressed realisation that perhaps she did know all along and was just trying to get him to confess on his own. Maybe it was his guilt finally telling him to give up. Maybe it was the look that Caleb was giving him from across the table, eyes filled with a barely hidden hurt, locking with his own as if to urge him to finally concede.

Whatever it was, it hit hard and right where it hurt. There was only one way out for him right now, and for a second, he felt a hint of relief at not having to keep this horrible facade up any longer, at least in front of them. All the knowledge in the world could not have helped him handle this any better, and no matter how good he was at lying, they were better at being friends.

“I… I need to talk to you all.” 


End file.
